Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I Feel Off

I have not really been my self these past couple weeks. I thought maybe at first it was just some baby blues. Now though I think its PPD. I think its severe too. Dustin had a Dr. appointment today for his panic disorder, and the NP gave him a paper with all the depression signs on it. As I sat there in the passenger seat of the car and read this list I thought "yeah, that's me" to nearly the whole list. I just generally don't feel happy. I have no desire to do anything except nurse Baby and take care of Boy. I sit and look at facebook, and read about other people lives. This maybe also because we are broke and we shouldn't be. Dustin is a spender and I hate it. I want to save for a house and he talks about buying stuff.
I feel mostly unhappy at him right now. We fight a lot especially on his days off. Why should I get stuff done like wash the sheets that Baby sprayed this morning when he cant hang a few pictures. His excuse? The tape measure broke, and he cant hang them strait with out it.
I want to feel happy. I want to have faith that everything will be OK. I do. I also don't want to be numb from drugs. I am so sensitive about everything. I feel unloved and unworthy of love. I wonder why anyone but my parents and siblings would...they do because they have to...right? I got all butt hurt because I wasn't invited to a wedding that all my friends are going to, I'm not even that close to the girl. I have known her for 12 years but we aren't close. She wanted my brother and SIL there, but not me. Then I wonder if its Dustin he can be abrasive, maybe they don't like him. DAMN why do I let myself beat me up? LORD HELP ME PLEASE!


Crystal said...

Autumn, I just wanted to let you know that I know exactly how you feel. I started having symptoms of depression when I was pregnant with my son.

Every word you wrote, sounded like me then. I also didn't want to be numb from drugs. but, i didn't want to be numb from depression either.

If I can make a suggestion - ok, maybe a couple. I suggest you write down when you are not feeling your best, and the reason at the time that you are upset/sad/whatever. That can help you figure out if there's a pattern to it or not. Also, go ask your doctor about depression meds.

If you don't want to see a psychiatrist, you can see your primary care dr, or even your ob. my ob was the one who prescribed meds for me. He even gave me a buttload of samples.

Above all, try to take soem time for yourself without your kids. It helps a whole lot, even if you just don't feel like it. trust me.

If you ever need to talk to someone, you can email me or send a facebook message. I've been there, done that. I tried four different meds before I found what works for me. But things have been better for me the past year or so. :)

Jennifer W said...

I'm so sorry friend, I wish I were there so we could get out together. I remember that place. I still have days... sometimes weeks where I feel that way but mostly I'm better.

I know what you're talking about when you say you're afraid you will feel "numb" on meds (which you know is why I stopped taking them eventually). But honestly, they are the BEST thing I did for myself. Talking to a professional really helped me identify what my big issues were, and how I could help myself cope with things I didn't know how to cope with. The drugs saved my life. They helped my body and my mind find a balance and helped me feel better.

I can't tell you how GOOD I felt once they started working. And the only reason I stopped taking the was because I wasn't depressed anymore, and they weren't working to make me feel better they were working to make me feel nothing. You do what you need to do to take care of yourself - that's the only way you can be the woman and mother you want to be.

More than half the people you know are probably taking something to help, they just don't talk about it. I'm here if you need me. I won't be in town until Avelyn's birthday but call me!

(And I TOOOOTALLY get the husband thing. It's our biggest issue. Oh the stories I could tell.)

Aubrey said...

Hey girl. I won't even pretend to know what you are going through, but I want you to know that I'm praying for you. I know it must be hard! Keep the faith that God is working in you. He will get you through it. Do what you need to do, and take care of yourself. Just remember, this is only a moment in won't always be like this.

Unknown said...

Im only commenting b/c I want you to know I read this...we need to talk asap. i love you.


Me and My Boys said...

Oh sweet Autumn, I am so sorry to hear that you are facing this hurdle. And I say hurdle because you WILL jump over it...eventually. I'm not going to say that I know how YOU feel but I will tell you that I faced PPD and the effects that it had on me were amazing (in a bad way).

I did end up seeing a psychiatrist and was placed on meds. The psychiatrist was wonderful. He was a Christian man that prayed with me and for me. Above all, it was so incredible to talk to someone about how I was feeling and get a professional opinion about some of the issues I was dealing with.

As for the meds, if you have any doubts please don't. They are the only reason why I didn't break windows and punch holes in the walls-seriously. I can't begin to tell you how "bad" I was, but medicine helped balance out my urge to massacre a herd of elephants and my desire to sleep all day and forget that I had children. I am off of them now but there was no way I could have gone on "being" without something.

It is so good to talk about it and not hide it. There are so many woman that deal with PPD and finding friends that have dealt with the issues has been a blessing for me.

I'll be praying for you and your family. If you need someone to talk to, please call me (now that you have my number ^_^).


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