Hearts Desire

He just does not understand how I could have any such desire. It sounds selfish to him. This desire to him would take away from what I already have. He just does not get it.

How could I not want another child. Another pregnancy. Another birth. Another baby to hold and nurse. Another child to teach and protect. To add more love and beauty to this life...to this world.

More magic, more laughter, more smiles, more dreams.

Yes raising a child can be stressful...but all those moments of aggravation are trumped by the love that fills the heart with joy.

So I ask why is it bad for my heart to desire another life. To grow another chamber so I can fit all my love inside.

Life is beautiful and I want to add to the beauty. Please understand...

Special Lady

So today 31...I mean 29 years and 24 months ago my mom gave birth to her eldest child. My Sister, my friend. I love her so much and I am so thrilled that God put us together. She has 3 amazing kids and is married to a great guy! We don't always see eye to eye and we could never live together. But she is always there for me and she is so very lovable. And did I mention DROP DEAD GORGEOUS?

Mandi have a spectacular day!!

Love you Sissy!

Big Bully!

Whats a mom to do when her 16 month old beats up her 5 year old??
Boy is sitting on my lap crying his eyes out because Baby Brother beat him over the head with a Maraca! Boy is bit, pinched, gets his hair pulled and gets beat for no reason. Boy doesn't retaliate either, he is to tender hearted and sweet. Baby doesn't do this to anyone else. Any help or advice is welcome.

The Culprit!  

Can Ya Feel the LOVE?

Niece M is going to MIDDLE SCHOOL!! The weekend before Mothers Day she went to a retreat with church and then there was a special ceremony where we loved on them all and turned them over from the Children's Ministry to the Youth Group! I approached the Youth Minister and asked if he was ready for another D girl. 

I love this child. She is turning into a sweet tween girl and I look forward to celebrating many more years with her. 

Sissy, M, and I

M was sooooo tired she stayed up most of the weekend!

We Will Survive!

By God's grace we will survive!

It will be a climb

And we may get scared, but we wont be alone

Together we will take a big bite out of life

And watch joyfully and intently

As God's Glorious Grace falls over us like fireworks in the beautiful sky.

AMEN!

This is HARD!

I know yesterday I was optimistic, but today not so much. The mood swings and uncertainty are tearing me apart. I can't think strait, I get so upset. I am afraid of finances. I hate this! I need time to myself but there is no way he is staying alone with the boys. I can't pawn them off on my sister. I really need a friend to tell this to. But I can't burden them with this.

I need to trust in Jesus, but its so hard.

I feel so cut off from the world. I have not been to church, except for once in weeks. I didn't even get to go on Mothers Day. He asked if I want to go to a therapy session, but I don't. It would be like paying to talk to a friend, who really isn't a friend.
Am I making sense? Is anyone reading this?

I Have Been Hiding

Writing this will not be easy, but perhaps it will give me some relief. My husband whom I love so much suffers from Bipolar Syndrome. Life has never really been easy, we have had a bumpy marriage to say the least. He was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder about 2 years ago and was put on meds to deal with that. 2 years of those meds and 9 months of seeing a psychologist didn't change anything. He had some serious episodes where I thought I was going to lose him to suicide. The weekend before Mother's Day was great, we were busy and did fun things and celebrated a special event for my niece M. But Monday came and he was so depressed and frustrated that he didn't feel any joy at all. So he went to his appointment with his psychologist and she told him to check himself in. My mom watched the boys while we went to a local hospital ER. Sat there from 4PM until after midnight when he was transferred to another facility.
They diagnosed him bipolar and put him on new meds. He took to it really well, but living with a bipolar spouse is hard. I find myself feeling alone and scared. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him so I don't trigger anything.
We are in this together though. I am fighting on his team. We pray everyday for Gods grace to cover us.

So this blog just got a little serious. I will be posting coping skills on here and other info that may help someone living with a bipolar spouse.

For now just know Bipolar Syndrome is real!