Tuesday, May 11, 2010

This is HARD!

I know yesterday I was optimistic, but today not so much. The mood swings and uncertainty are tearing me apart. I can't think strait, I get so upset. I am afraid of finances. I hate this! I need time to myself but there is no way he is staying alone with the boys. I can't pawn them off on my sister. I really need a friend to tell this to. But I can't burden them with this.

I need to trust in Jesus, but its so hard.

I feel so cut off from the world. I have not been to church, except for once in weeks. I didn't even get to go on Mothers Day. He asked if I want to go to a therapy session, but I don't. It would be like paying to talk to a friend, who really isn't a friend.
Am I making sense? Is anyone reading this?


Raena said...

yes. we are reading this.

i dont mind watching your kids for a couple of hours sometime wednesday or thursday.

my aunt was married to a bipolar man for 25 years and once he was diagnosed, he never worked again - she did. i will be praying he can go back to work soon, and that you can finish your degree too.

love you. you are not alone. talking to your friends does not burden us. wouldnt you do the same for me? yes you would. that is what friends are for.

The Scribbles said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers! You and D can survive this!! You are a strong and amazing woman! If he is asking you to go to therapy with him that seems like a good thing. I would consider it! Good luck honey!

Me and My Boys said...

Oh Autumn, I'm so sorry that you are feeling alone. While I can only comment on my experience with anxiety and depression I can only imagine what it's like on the other end. I can honestly say that I understand how your world is spinning out of control and you feel like there is nothing that you can do to stop it. The smallest things are huge to me: the boys taking a nap at the same time everyday. If they don't take a nap then I don't get a break and if I don't get a break then I won't be able to ____ and then that will cause ____ not to get done or get done late and then who's gonna be the one to give the boys a bath and feed them dinner because I wasn't able to go to the grocery store and speaking of the grocery store, we don't have enough money to really go shopping so how are we going to make it? And thus the spiraling continues and I totally melt down when Stuart mentions having to stay late at school.

I also know how hard it is to talk about because no one wants to talk about their flaws. And if you don't talk about it then maybe you can handle it or pretend it away. But that just makes it worse. But the thought of paying (PAYING) someone money that you don't have to deal with something that you don't want to admit to having is beyond difficult.

All that to say, I'll be praying for wisdom and guidance for you and D.

AJ said...

Your comments are so helpful.

Rae-Its so hard for me not to feel burdensome, and that feeling has nothing to do with you. Those are my own feelings of inadequacy I must deal with.

CS-Your prayers mean so much.

CD-Reading from your point of view really helped. I get so frustrated because Boy quit taking naps when he was 4. I am so worried about the finances too. Thank you for the prayers.

I told D to make us an appointment. Maybe to hear it from his Dr. will help.


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