Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I Feel Off

I have not really been my self these past couple weeks. I thought maybe at first it was just some baby blues. Now though I think its PPD. I think its severe too. Dustin had a Dr. appointment today for his panic disorder, and the NP gave him a paper with all the depression signs on it. As I sat there in the passenger seat of the car and read this list I thought "yeah, that's me" to nearly the whole list. I just generally don't feel happy. I have no desire to do anything except nurse Baby and take care of Boy. I sit and look at facebook, and read about other people lives. This maybe also because we are broke and we shouldn't be. Dustin is a spender and I hate it. I want to save for a house and he talks about buying stuff.
I feel mostly unhappy at him right now. We fight a lot especially on his days off. Why should I get stuff done like wash the sheets that Baby sprayed this morning when he cant hang a few pictures. His excuse? The tape measure broke, and he cant hang them strait with out it.
I want to feel happy. I want to have faith that everything will be OK. I do. I also don't want to be numb from drugs. I am so sensitive about everything. I feel unloved and unworthy of love. I wonder why anyone but my parents and siblings would...they do because they have to...right? I got all butt hurt because I wasn't invited to a wedding that all my friends are going to, I'm not even that close to the girl. I have known her for 12 years but we aren't close. She wanted my brother and SIL there, but not me. Then I wonder if its Dustin he can be abrasive, maybe they don't like him. DAMN why do I let myself beat me up? LORD HELP ME PLEASE!

Friday, April 3, 2009

Zoo Trips!

We purchased a zoo pass this year and we have been making the most of it! Going with my BFF Raena and her beautiful kids. Boy's BFF CS and his little sister HR.
The first time we went it was COLD and rainy (did I mention cold?). Then we just went this past tuesday and it was so nice.
Enjoy the pitures!

Chicken Pot, Chicken Pot, Chicken Pot Pieeee!

So this evening we ate a lovely chicken pot pie. Dustin covered his and boys in cheese. We ate ours very quickly, but boy was having issues. Dustin was getting frustrated after boy refused to eat after the dessert bribe. So I sat with him and fed him. Yep I was feeding a four year old boy. He ate a couple bites quite nicely then I gave him one in which he spied the dreaded CRUST Oh how vile! He pitched a fit and wouldnt swollow. He sat and cried with this bite in his mouth, not wanting to spit it out for fear of a spanking, and not wanting to swallow for fear of being poisened from the way he was acting. I had such a dificult time keeping a strait face. I called my mom laughing to tell her I knew how she felt with my brother and I (my sister usually ate all her food with no issues). Oh I love parenting! I gave him water so he could swallow and it took him 4 tries to get it down, with a few gags thrown in. When he ate the rest of the "insides" he did get his icecream. I figured I would rather him eat chicken and veggies than the crust anyways. After all of this he slowly dozed off on the couch beside me.
He has turned into such a dramatic little guy.


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