I have not really been my self these past couple weeks. I thought maybe at first it was just some baby blues. Now though I think its PPD. I think its severe too. Dustin had a Dr. appointment today for his panic disorder, and the NP gave him a paper with all the depression signs on it. As I sat there in the passenger seat of the car and read this list I thought "yeah, that's me" to nearly the whole list. I just generally don't feel happy. I have no desire to do anything except nurse Baby and take care of Boy. I sit and look at facebook, and read about other people lives. This maybe also because we are broke and we shouldn't be. Dustin is a spender and I hate it. I want to save for a house and he talks about buying stuff.
I feel mostly unhappy at him right now. We fight a lot especially on his days off. Why should I get stuff done like wash the sheets that Baby sprayed this morning when he cant hang a few pictures. His excuse? The tape measure broke, and he cant hang them strait with out it.
I want to feel happy. I want to have faith that everything will be OK. I do. I also don't want to be numb from drugs. I am so sensitive about everything. I feel unloved and unworthy of love. I wonder why anyone but my parents and siblings would...they do because they have to...right? I got all butt hurt because I wasn't invited to a wedding that all my friends are going to, I'm not even that close to the girl. I have known her for 12 years but we aren't close. She wanted my brother and SIL there, but not me. Then I wonder if its Dustin he can be abrasive, maybe they don't like him. DAMN why do I let myself beat me up? LORD HELP ME PLEASE!