Every once in a while I will look up and ask God, "Why?"
Things that are hard:
Learning to live with someone on a daily basis.
Being that persons punching bag on his most difficult days.
Loving that person even when you cannot stand to look at him.
Loving that person so much it hurts.
Opening up to that person giving him the chance to rip your heart out.
Those are just fears I have, he really is not that mean ;). But it is worth the heart aches I may experience, because he is truly my best friend! And he loves me more than anything.
Knowing that such a small person depends on you for everything is scary.
Having to be a "mean mommy" to teach them something.
Something my mom said to me when I was a kid, "You don't have to like me right now, I am your mommy and I am raising you to be the kind of person I would want as my friend as an adult".
Seeing them get a boo-boo.
Knowing when to let them go and trusting that God is watching them.
Knowing when to listen to advice.
When to ask for help or just do it on my own.
Trusting that you have done a good job teaching them so they will make wise decisions.
Loving them when they make bad decisions.
Being a mom is the most rewarding challenge I have ever taken on. I love it even when I want to rip my hair out and run down Main street screaming!
I know there are people who do not like me and that hurts, so I think "Maybe if I was like...that peron would like me"
Learning to want to be in my own company.
Being proud of me when I accomplish something.
Being OK with going unnoticed. (Its OK if nobody reads my blog it still gets things off my chest.)
Having faith that I am liked by the right people.
Hey God made me and he does not make junk!
Liking what I see in the mirror is good, I am not narcissistic for thinking I look good.
KNOW THY SELF!
I have to choose to love me!
4)Being in an extended Family!
I am still a daughter, sister, niece, aunt, cousin, grand daughter.
Finding the balance between my side and his.
*side note: I love that my parents are willing to celebrate Jesus' birthday on a day that is not Dec 25th, considering scholars have different ideas to when he was born*
I refuse to take a backseat to anyone when it comes to family, and I refuse to put my husband and sons in the backseat.
Loving in-laws for who they are.
Boundaries are very important!
Family is very important and I want them close but I also need my time with just us 4...and just me ;)
When you are little its getting together to play barbies and hand slapping games and watching princess movies.
Being grown up mommy friends means coordinating lunch at Chick-fil-a (so you can talk while the kids play)
Its understanding that even though you don't see each other all the time it doesn't mean she is not thinking about you.
It's making time to see each other.
Picking up the phone and calling her because she may need a break for a minute.
She is not yelling no at you...
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Time apart makes time together more special.
Taking time for your friends with no kids is important too.
Sometimes you have to be the bigger person and apologize.
Not all my close friends have met me face to face and that is OK with me.
I miss my old friends, I think about them often.
It is OK to make new friends.
I love my friends!
So even though life can be difficult, think about what is important and think about the love you have! Its worth the headaches! Love with all you have and trust that life is good. God is good!
In the past I have rubbed many people the wrong way. I can come off as brash and extremely opinionated. I dont mean to be this way. I want to be liked, but I also know what I believe, I want what is best for my family and I wish more families and individuals cared about what is best for them.
I was reading Boy his Bible story out of The Jesus Storybook Bible (he loves that book we have read it 4 times and are half way done again), and Zacchaeus' story hit a certain note in me. If you dont know the story here is a quick overview:
Zacchaeus was a wee little man, and a wee little man was he.
He climbed up in a sycamore tree, for the Lord he wanted to see.
And as the Savior passed him by, He looked up in the tree,
And he said, "Zacchaeus, you come down from there;
For I'm going to your house today, for I'm going to your house today"
Zacchaeus came down from that tree, as happy as he could be,
He gave his money to the poor, and said: "What a better man I'll be."
He was a tax collector but he collected much more than he was supposed to and kept the rest to make himself rich. Jesus was kind to him and Z repented and gave back 4x what he took.
This is a story of true repentance. I am sure Z had a couple set backs and at times had a temptation to take, he may have done it, but he probably kept going and giving back.
So to the people I have hurt in the past. I am truly sorry, I have realized my wrong doings and I understand if you still dislike me. Just understand that I am human, I know I am not better than anyone, and I still have my opinions on certain matters (which I do share here) but it does not mean I think you are dumb or cruel for not agreeing.
I like how Boys book talks about Jesus' forgiveness.
"Jesus loved Zacchaeus when nobody else did.
He was Zaccaeus' friend, even when nobody else was.
Because Jesus was showing people what God's love was like ~
Never Giving Up,
Always and Forever Love"
I am so thankful for that love. I am also truly thankful for my husband who has endured my attitude with a love like Jesus. He is a great man and I am SO blessed to have him. We have our faults but we stick togther and love eachother through it all. Thank you Dustin!
I often wonder why I just cant go crawl in bed some nights. I just have this need to stay up and explore and search for things. Get all my quiet brain time.
No attention grabbing boy, or fussy baby, no body breathing near me. Just me and my wondering mind. I need this time.
I look on Etsy for nifty gift ideas, I search twitter for interesting thoughts. I search for new blogs to read.
Sometimes I take pictures if the mood strikes like this one I took in the bathroom on a green towel, the rings were there, and I felt creative. I am not really into diamonds, I had to have a pearl. I enjoy this me time.
But it must come to an end at the first middle of the night nursings. Yeah Little Brother nurses all night long. The other night this lady told me to put him on a schedule, because he has me on one. Really? Why would I do that. It is much better for us this way. He knows he can trust me with the nursing on demand. We have such a close connection. And since we stay at home, I can rest during his first nap.
This is such a random post...but that is how my brain is at this hour, jumping from thought to thought. After he finishes Im going to bed.
I do not believe in "Global Warming". I do believe that the climate does change, but it changes with or without the human race.
That being said, I still believe that we have to take care of this planet, this beautiful gift we were given. I love the idea of cloth diapering, while I didnt have upfront money for the diapers, I desperately wanted to do it. I do however buy clorine free diapers made from renewable materials. Natural Choice is a great diaper. Baby is nearly 10 months old and has never had a diaper rash. Another earth friendly parenting activity is breastfeeding. Hello no BPA in the bottles. I carry his food where we go, no containers to trash. Breastfeeding is the ultimate in earth friendly practices.
I also say earth friendly is family friendly. We as a family do not care to put fake stuff into our bodies much. I say much because we all have our guilty pleasures. Dustin still drinks soda with Aspartame , I am trying to help him want to stop...have to make it his idea. That stuff is so bad for you. I really want to take care of what was given to me, but I also know that humans are part of the environment and we need to be taken into consideration as well. We need better education and a government that is not out to make money. Seriously people, they tax us saying they want whats best for us? WTF! They want to sit on high horses and control! I still eat meat though. But I buy organic and I prefer to get meat from local places and wild game. I eventually want to have my own chicken for eggs. I am no puppet, I refuse to buy into this crap about humans destroying the planet, and I want more people to wake up and smell the capitalism. Free market enterprise is good! Taxing business and workers to pay for laziness is not good. It is bad for the economy and bad for the earth! I do not hate the homeless or immigrants. I do however believe that the Government has no right to tax me to give them handout, when I/we am/are capable of giving hand up to those in need. Thats my rant for the day.
So I post things on FaceBook and royally piss people off. Really is your life so dull that you have to debate about a silly joke on FB. I know mine is but really do you have to go attack me on mine? I have many liberal friends. I do not attack them for their beliefs. I do not read theirs and call them uneducated and stupid. They come to me and attack. Yeah maybe I shouldn't post all my views on FB but I never see people in real life besides D and the babes. My life and friends are on the computer...pathetic right? Hahaha! But I love having an opinion! I grew up being told that I shouldn't have one. Screw That! I am here I am conservative and I love being me!
So I have been inspired to blog. By discovering new way cool blogs via Twitter! I am now addicted to twitter and made a new friend while doing it...go fig. I am way too opinionated for some. I am what I have started calling a "Conservative Feminist". I am conservative in my beliefs in government. Fiscal responsibility and "self" reliance. I say "self" because I believe that the government has not right to tax us to feed the poor. By taxing business they are taking away money to be used for wages. They also create a people who refuse to do anything for themselves and feel that they have the right to live the good life with out working for it. My reliance is on Jesus and the fact that he gives me and my hubby the ability to work for everything we have. The mistakes we make are our own and we must be responsible for them. By no means does this mean that I am heartless and against charity. I believe that charity is for private citizens not governments. I am however a feminist in the fact that I believe a woman has great power. This power is being stripped away from her by mainstream thinking. People who are afraid of this great power. I believe in natural birth. 90% of births should not be treated as the emergency that they are made out to be. I pushed a drug induced baby out almost five years ago and I felt all the love and adoration for him, but no power. Then ten months ago. I BIRTHED my 2nd son. It was amazing and powerful and beautiful and quiet...well except for my whining. So many mothers have no idea about this inner strength God gave us. Sure God gave doctors the knowledge of saving those babies that are emergencies. But lets get back to our power ladies! We can do it! Now the other part of feminism is our boobs! Yeah I said it. Why do we have them? No not so we get attention, they are not sex toys(all the time)! They are created to nourish our children. It is the most amazing gift we can give our children! It builds strong healthy kids! It helps us build a tight relationship with our babies. It is our right and responsibility to show the world that it is NORMAL to do. And that we have the right to publicly do it.
These are my thoughts, and if you don't agree you can skip this blog and "Jog On". I will continue to post them.
I was sitting on the couch minding my own business and the cutest little boy crawled up to me. He pulled himself to a standing position and said, "Mama baba" as he grabbed for my chest. He used WORDS to ask me to nurse! My sweet 8.5 month old spoke to me.
I have kept my readers with out any updates since JUNE!!
So here it goes a couple updates.
1. We live in my parents house, while they are in another city where my father is working a contract job.
2. Dustin is climbing the ladder at work.
3. The boys are HUGE!!
4. Little Brother is 8 MONTHS! He is huge. He yells "AH!" at me and wants me to repeat him. He crawls, sits up, and pulls him self up. Bath time is his favorite! He has 6 teeth, 4 on top and 2 on bottom.
5. Big brother likes movies and video games. Such a boy! All of a sudden he has decided to be a night owl.
6.I am preparing to return to school. I will be attending Western Governors University which is where my big brother just graduated from. I am going to become a math teacher in middle school.
7. I am dog sitting for my uncle. His name(the dog I mean) is Scrappy. He smells and he is as old as dirt.
1st we are moving AGAIN! Why? There are a few reasons. Reason 1: This house needs work that some major work that is not getting done. Reason 2:We have the opportunity to clean up out credit and buy a house and get $8000 of our tax money to use as a down payment. Reason 3: Safety. Last month there was a scary home invasion across the street. As we sat in our house doing some laundry, eating breakfast dressing to do some activities as a family; our neighbor across the cul-de-sac answered the door to a man claiming to be from a local business. When she called his bluff and tried to close the door he shoved his gun in her face, and held her captive for THREE hours while searching her home. The police believed he had the wrong side of the duplex, and that he was searching for drugs. I don't like that! Reason 4: Our six month lease was up. Reason 5: She raised the rent by $30 Even with those reasons we were considering staying. We prayed for guidance and God presented us with myfree8k.org and our friend who started it.
So here is the plan: My parents house is unoccupied, and we can stay there for a little while. Clean up some of our issues and buy a house by November.
PLEASE say prayers! 2nd Dustin starts school in August. I am sooooo proud of him! He is taking two online classes.
3rd The boys are growing like wildfire!
Well my friends... I am off to pack and run some errands. God Bless!
For fun: We god season passes to Sea World San Antonio! Its so family friendly and our Best friends The I's and The R's Have them too! We get to go have fun just about any time. Boy can ride some of the rides now that he is 43 inches tall! The Boys are growing so very fast. I can hardly keep up. Baby Brother is already getting big for some 3-6 month clothing! Help! I have not yet started to cloth diaper... feel free to donate some Bum genius for the sake of the environment. ;D
Dustin might be switching to a different schedule M-F 8:30-6 instead of the current MThF 9:30-8 Sat 9-5. That would make like so much easier.
We are having a nerdtastic summer, with all of the movies that are coming out. Star Trek was AWESOME! Wolverine Origins not so much, not from a geeks point of view. I wasn't always such a geek... Dustin really brings it out in me. Next is Terminator Salvation... really looking forward to that.
Also want to see UP, Land of the Lost, and Transformers 2. We take the boys to the movies with us, and why not? Boy knows the difference between what is real and what is not, and he loves them, Baby Brother nurses and sleeps. I love my Moby Wrap!
Best news of all I am an Auntie again Baby Girl L was born on May 11th! 8 pounds 15 ounces! So proud of my big brother and his wife. Two beautiful babes. She is the first girl on my side since M and M is 10! Now for a few pics
I have not really been my self these past couple weeks. I thought maybe at first it was just some baby blues. Now though I think its PPD. I think its severe too. Dustin had a Dr. appointment today for his panic disorder, and the NP gave him a paper with all the depression signs on it. As I sat there in the passenger seat of the car and read this list I thought "yeah, that's me" to nearly the whole list. I just generally don't feel happy. I have no desire to do anything except nurse Baby and take care of Boy. I sit and look at facebook, and read about other people lives. This maybe also because we are broke and we shouldn't be. Dustin is a spender and I hate it. I want to save for a house and he talks about buying stuff. I feel mostly unhappy at him right now. We fight a lot especially on his days off. Why should I get stuff done like wash the sheets that Baby sprayed this morning when he cant hang a few pictures. His excuse? The tape measure broke, and he cant hang them strait with out it. I want to feel happy. I want to have faith that everything will be OK. I do. I also don't want to be numb from drugs. I am so sensitive about everything. I feel unloved and unworthy of love. I wonder why anyone but my parents and siblings would...they do because they have to...right? I got all butt hurt because I wasn't invited to a wedding that all my friends are going to, I'm not even that close to the girl. I have known her for 12 years but we aren't close. She wanted my brother and SIL there, but not me. Then I wonder if its Dustin he can be abrasive, maybe they don't like him. DAMN why do I let myself beat me up? LORD HELP ME PLEASE!
We purchased a zoo pass this year and we have been making the most of it! Going with my BFF Raena and her beautiful kids. Boy's BFF CS and his little sister HR. The first time we went it was COLD and rainy (did I mention cold?). Then we just went this past tuesday and it was so nice. Enjoy the pitures!
So this evening we ate a lovely chicken pot pie. Dustin covered his and boys in cheese. We ate ours very quickly, but boy was having issues. Dustin was getting frustrated after boy refused to eat after the dessert bribe. So I sat with him and fed him. Yep I was feeding a four year old boy. He ate a couple bites quite nicely then I gave him one in which he spied the dreaded CRUST Oh how vile! He pitched a fit and wouldnt swollow. He sat and cried with this bite in his mouth, not wanting to spit it out for fear of a spanking, and not wanting to swallow for fear of being poisened from the way he was acting. I had such a dificult time keeping a strait face. I called my mom laughing to tell her I knew how she felt with my brother and I (my sister usually ate all her food with no issues). Oh I love parenting! I gave him water so he could swallow and it took him 4 tries to get it down, with a few gags thrown in. When he ate the rest of the "insides" he did get his icecream. I figured I would rather him eat chicken and veggies than the crust anyways. After all of this he slowly dozed off on the couch beside me. He has turned into such a dramatic little guy.
My mom was in town for a choir retreat with our church here at home. My parent live 8hours away, but still in TX...big state...they are there for my dads job. Well after the retreat my AMAZING older sister, Mandi and I got to hang out with her. I took the boys and left Dustin to put together the entertainment area(he got a $ reward from the company he works for so we got a surround sound system)and we headed to Mandi's house. We started out playing Cribbage and moved on to Scattergories. We got a ton of laughs from Scattergories, including my niece M trying to come up with a list of 12 veggies that begin with "F" her list was..."fried onions", "fried zukiny", "fried spinege", and "football shaped brocolli". We cracked up! We also enjoyed the hilarity of my mom forgetting what letter we were on 3 times. Midnight crept up on us and we had to say goodnight so I brought the boys home and we went to bed. *Yes I keep my kids places til the wee hours of the morning* So it was my pleasure(because it was time together)and heartache(because I didn't want her to go) to drive her to the airport yesterday/Monday morning. She didn't have to be there till 11:30 so she took me(well I drove she directed) to Dillard's to get my b-day gift. She had bought me these adorable Steve Madden shoes, but they didn't fit...curse my enormous feet! We took them back to the shoe dept and headed to home decor, which is where they keep the Willow Trees! She bought me TWO of them! The Brothers and Quietly. Then we went by her best friend MJs house to pick up the pair of sunglasses she had left there(she goes through sunglasses like toilet tissue, they were on the porch with a sweet note and an extra copy of her ticket. MJ loves my mommy like a sister. So we got to the airport and we said "strong" goodbyes and she hugged on the boys and my nephew TJ who I was watching this morning. As she walked away I swallowed my tears and looked down and saw her note and extra ticket copy were in my car so I honked and brought her back only to find tears in here eyes...dangit..we both started crying and saying how much we love and miss each other.
Y'all I have an AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL, GODLY, mommy. I know God has her where she is for a reason. I cannot wait til she comes back. Maybe next time she and my dad will come and we can play Balderdash.
And a photo of my boys so my hubby can steal it for his desktop on his work computer. Aren't they CUTE?!
I turned 27 on the 18th of March. Hard to wrap my mind around being 27. I still expect to be young adult Autumn or even teenage Autumn, but no I am Adult Autumn. I am married, thats a big responsibility, its a full time job really. Then I am a Stay-at-home mom. Wow that ones huge! Right now I have so many responsibilities. Such as laundry, the sorting and washing of it is not so bad. the drying I can do, but to fold it...AAAAHHHHHHH! I just want to put it in baskets and say go fish. But alas I have a neat freak for a husband. I have from 9:30AM to 8PM on Monday Thursday and Friday and 9AM to 5:30PM to do my duties. Get the Kitchen clean wash dry and FOLD atleast 2 loads of laundry, sweep, mop, take something out to thaw for dinner...all while playing games with a 4 year old and nursing a now 8 week old. I try to do it with a smile...try being the key word...and praise God that I have clothes to wash, floors to clean, dishes to wash and epecially two boys to care for. I look forward to my Tuesday Wednesday and Sunday, aka Family days. Dustin spends time with his boys and I enjoy my time with him as well. Life keeps moving forward weather the economy is good or bad. I just have to do my part to make sure my family is safe and happy, most of that care is done by asking my Heavenly Father for sanity and patience.
Please Lord continue to bless this little family and all who are connected to it!
My parents finally got to meet Baby Brother. They live about 8 hours from home right now for my dads job. The visit was not the best. My mom had bronchitis(not contagious) and my dad had an allergy episode. It was nice to be with them anyway. They are so in love with grandson number 5! My daddy aka Poppy and my wonderful boys. Hes a big marshmallow when it comes to his grandbabies. My mommy aka Noni couldnt get enough of baby brother. I love their expressions in this pictire. My Nannan was so excited she was able to hold her newest great grandchild. And here is GrandEmma and Baby Brother. She met him before but we didnt get a good picture of them together. This is nuber 2 of her three grandchildren.
How could my baby boy be one month? I cant believe it! January 24 seems like yesterday and here I am staring at him sleep, his peaceful face brings me such joy. He is adored by his big brother, and anyone else who lays a hand on him. He can hold up his head for long periods of time, he has been to the movies not once or twice but 3 times and sleeps through it(thank the Lord because Dustin and I are big movie buffs), he has destroyed outfits with his blowouts, and best of all he nurses and has no problems with it, just some gas.
I just went back and read bloggs gone of the past! I have had my blog for a little over a year now! I read about Boy turning 3 and now hes 4. Then I read about trying to concive and Im lying here in bed with my hubby and our 3 week old son, while Boy is in his big boy bed in his room. Time continues to march on, I need to live for today and continue to thank God for his continued blessings!